i have just written a 6 pages long essay to my dear xinyi, telling her the truth of all truths. feeling kind of emo now. hah. emo amanda. there we go again(:

i believe after reading that, she wouldnt wanna talk to me ever again, whether anort its because she is guilty or she totally hates me. whatever it is, i respect her decision in whatever she INTENDS to do.

all i know is i tried hard to satisfy her. and if it is not enough, then i dont know what is.

i dont know. all these made me think of someone i hoped to forget. haha. thats right. hi leow. its been a long time. thats for the luck today. i really felt so happy recieving it. ( despite forgetting today's the chem practical day ) its been forever since we last talked and boy, i've missed you loads. hahaha. im sorry but i just do. i tried ignoring you, keeping my glance off you in school but HEY. its not working. i end up walking in your path ALWAYS and i seriously know how hard it was for you and ahem to go through. yes the feeling totally sucks that you'd wish to end it as fast as possible.

only difference is i dont want to end it. but neither do i want it to begin again.

my gamble has yet to announce the winner, and thus i have to keep my mind off you for the time being. im so sorry for neglecting you on that part, but i really need to wait till the time they would finally announce the winner. whatever it is, i will never regret what i've decided and even if i lost or won, i guess it doesnt really matter. what would only hurt is me, being deceived again. no.? anyway i've gone through so much that i think its soo normal to me that it doesnt even matter anymore.

in fact, nothing matters anymore.

losing you was hard, losing xinyi was horrible. for a decision that required such big risks like this, i know i shouldnt even THINK of trying but i already did. i know you respect my decision too and i thank you for all you've done for me. as for xinyi, i hope you'll understand after reading that 'essay' and hopefully, you wouldnt blame me for it or show it around and create unnecessary uproars. or whatever.

ok. i think i'll stop crapping and get over my emo-ness. today wasnt a very good day either. MY DAMN HAIRRRRR. its SO SHORT. noooooooooooooo~! ITS A TOTAL LAUGHING STALK. i KNOW.!!!!! i dont know what to do with it T-T

gees. life doesnt get any better than this does it(: